Leaving Home

What I have come to learn over the last few years of traveling between home here in Ontario, school on the East Coast, and around the world on my travel semesters is that leaving is always hard. And the most frustrating thing is that it doesn't seem to get any easier the more often I do it. If anything, it seems to be becoming more difficult. 

I am so blessed to have really incredible friends all over Canada and other countries around the world, but this makes leaving places seem so much more difficult, and sometimes, pretty traumatic. Maybe I am just feeling overly dramatic because I am going away for such a long time. From this end, 8 months feels like a lifetime.

Now, I have been away from my second home -- the wonderful university that is SSU -- for 8 months, and that has been hard too. It was especially difficult in September when many of my school friends were reuniting while most of my friends from home had just left for school. I felt pretty lonely and spending 8 months away from my dear friend, Alyssa, has been insanely challenging. But it was all bearable because by the end of last semester I really needed a break from school. I needed some space from the academic world. And this down time has been invaluable. 

So here I am now. I am so ready to get back to SSU and dive back into academia and see my friends that await me there, but my heart is breaking at the notion of leaving my life here. I have recently fostered such close friendships here. My parents and I are getting along incredibly well. I am involved in a youth group with teens that I have invested so much time and love into and I kind of feel like I am deserting some of them in their darkest hours. I have made new friends that I wish I could get to know better. And now that most of my friends are home for Christmas, we have been spending a lot of time together and it has felt beautifully warm and comfortable. So it hurts. 

At the same time, I know that this challenge will stretch me in some positive ways, and I have such an exciting time ahead of me. So don't mistake this for something it is not. I am simply venting. I am honestly very excited to get on to the next chapter of my life and I can't wait to see what sorts of adventures I find myself in! 

My friend, Brent, wisely told me, "...if anything, just be happy you've got a group of kick ass people to see you when you get back." And for that, I could not be more thankful. So to all of my friends here at home, I'll miss you while I'm gone so please stay in touch! (Letters, emails, Facebook, Twitter, Skype, FaceTime, etc., etc., etc.). I'll see most of you in August! To my friends who I will not be seeing until May, I still miss you and I love hearing from you when I do. I can't wait to see you. And to my friends I will be seeing in just about a week, I AM SO EXCITED. See you soon!

Peace & Love, 

Kay.

A beautifully crazy group of people I get to call my friends.
Photo Credit: J. Kononiuk

10 Life Lessons

Here are some of the most helpful things I've learned over the last few years. Maybe they'll help somebody else too!

1. If you fight through SAD (Seasonal Affected Disorder), take Vitamin D supplements. It helps ward off the lethargy and darkness on the gloomy days. It has made all the difference for me. So try it out if you don't already! (Besides, as I found out today, it can help boost your immune system too!) Or try some light therapy. That may help you too. I'll leave you with some articles to read about this.
• http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/06/110617185105.htm
• http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052748703300504574567881192085174
2. Learning whether you are an introvert or an extrovert can make a huge difference in your overall energy levels, assuming you learn how to cater to that tendency in yourself. Please note, not all introverts are shy and quiet and not all extroverts are loud and outgoing. It is simply a matter of where you get your energy. Introverts gain their energy from time alone or with one-on-one time. Extroverts gain energy from being around people. Which are you?
3. Sometimes your parents really do know best, even when it's annoying.
4. Start coming up with ideas for what you want to do once you're done school before you're done school and start contacting businesses and organizations early. It can be a huge step up making contacts in advance and also to gain their wisdom on what it takes to break into the field. 
5. Not all friendships are going to last forever, and that is OKAY. (Note: this does not mean that they all end tragically and you stop talking to this person, it simply means that you don't have the same level of connection as maybe you once did).
6. Take time to foster the friendships you do have. Just remember that you do not have an endless supply of time or energy, so you will not likely be able to put the same amount of time and effort into each and every friendship you have (especially if, like me, you have over a thousand friends you care about deeply. It's just not possible to invest the same amount of time into each of those people). So try to focus on the ones that are directly around you!
7. Be proactive and try not to procrastinate. Speaking from experience, procrastinating only makes things more stressful, especially when you have all that extra time to sit around worrying about what you're putting off. So just hop to it! Here's a tip though: it is inevitable that you will procrastinate at some point through your day. So schedule it in! That way you don't have to think about it. Figure out how much time you procrastinate, stick it into your calendar on each day and that can be your scheduled break time. Procrastination problem solved!
8. Spend time in nature, and truly appreciate it. Tired? Busy? Stressed? Lazy? Do it anyways. It is good for your soul.
9. Take time for yourself. As my friend says, "take a vacation." This does not necessarily mean that you need to go anywhere, just find time to stop worrying about whatever you're worrying about and just breathe. Your body and mind will thank you for it later.
10. Try some manual labour. You may surprise yourself and find that you really enjoy it. (Besides, it's a good way to gain a little strength and get some exercise without really "exercising!").

Peace & Love,
Kay

Mourning Strangers

Today, a heartbreaking event occurred in Toronto. An elderly couple aged 84 and 89, each with their own health issues jumped off of the balcony of their high-rise apartment to the ground below. A double suicide. 

At dinner tonight this event was brought up and as a family, we discussed it at length. We all agreed it was awful, and I kind of felt like I was walking on eggshells. We talked about how the husband chose to jump after his wife because he couldn't live without his wife and that is why they both jumped. Both of my parents said that while they would certainly not be jumping for joy if the other killed themselves, they would also not follow right behind. 

This got me thinking.

It is a noble thing to say that you would die for someone. The sentiments are great. And I truly think it is wonderful that people can feel that strongly about other people. But I also think that it is more noble to live for someone. 

To die for someone leaves them without you. And I guess I just question how much of a blessing that really is. I know if this happened to me I would be entirely in awe that someone loved me enough to die for me. But I know too, that I would be angry. I would be angry that they, in the words of Bruno Mars (wooo), caught a grenade, or jumped in front of a train, or took a bullet straight through the brain for me and left me seemingly alone. I would be heartbroken that they were dead in the same way that they would be heartbroken if I died. But even more than that, I know I would blame myself. It would essentially be my fault that they were dead, and I am not sure that I would be able to forgive myself for that. I just don't know that dying for someone (or in this case, with someone) is the best way to express your love for them.

So I say, live for the people you love. Make something of your life. Live in a way that would honour the people you love that have died. Don't put their love to waste. And help other people. If you have been seriously affected by the death of a loved one, find a way to help other people going through similar situations, because goodness knows that they need support. This I think, is the more noble option. It is certainly the more difficult option, in my opinion. Because it is hard to keep going when your heart is breaking and your world feels like it is in shambles. Do it anyways.

Now, prior to this discussion I had not known anything of the event -- I did not know their ages, nor did I know that they had physical ailments. Let me just take a moment here to explain that I do not think this makes the situation any less heartbreaking and awful. Suicide is not an easy topic to think about, talk about, hear about. It will never be. I know this all too well -- it has touched me with its cold and painful hands on more than one occasion. But in light of this event and these further details, I have been left with a few questions.

The article (the link is posted below) does not speak of family for the couple. Does that mean there are none? Regardless, they obviously had many people who cared about them, did they think of how they would feel? What was written within the letters left behind? Were they explanations? Or apologies? Were they blaming someone? Did they feel that they were a burden upon others? Were they only escaping their physical pain (and the emotional strain that I am sure accompanied that)? Recognizing that they were elderly and heavily burdened with physical pains and medical issues, is this an acceptable response from the couple? Was this their only method of escape? 

I have more questions -- too many. I can't even begin to decipher them all. It is like a whirlwind of emotion and confusion and pain. I did not even know these people. I can only imagine what the people who did know them are experiencing right now. 

My heart breaks for you.

Love,

Kay

P.S. If interested, you can find the article I read here.

My Extremely Extended Family

I am an only child. 

Growing up, I always wanted a little brother and would even go so far as to ask both my parents and Santa for one for Christmas. While that never happened and I remained an only child, I have been extremely blessed to find two young friends that have become my adopted brothers and to have a cousin who is also like a little brother to me. Furthermore, I have also been blessed with a couple of my married friends who have chosen to take me under their wings as their "little sister."

What I really love about them is that my relationship with each is radically different, and yet they all have the same status in terms of my extended family. One will go on beach walks and cuddle and play guitar and write songs with me. Another will get me to watch football and make me help move brush around at his house and play with his dog. Yet another plays geeky card games with me. One is my "partying" brother, but is also my boss and my mentor and my personal bad-joke-teller. And the last gets me interested in extreme sports (sea kayaking, mountain biking, etc.) and has a similar love for scotch as I do. The one factor that ties them all together is the ability I have with each of them to be honest and have a deep conversation when we want to. And this is something I value above all.

I honestly cannot imagine my life without them. While we may not always be in the same area (between my NB life and world traveling and the one who lives in SK), and while we may not talk all the time, I know that they always have my back just as I always have theirs. I love them all dearly and I am deeply grateful for their presence in my life.

So to the five of you (and you know who you are): 

I love you. Thank you for everything. You mean the world to me. Let's talk more.

 

Peace & Love,

Kay

Warm Drinks, Warm Memories

Have you ever met someone who you have an instant connection with? It's an intriguing experience, and one that I was fortunate enough to have this evening. 

I finally met the creative brains behind SHE SAID SAVE ME. 

For the purposes of this post, I will call him J. After a long string of messages following my initial "general appreciation" message about his music, J and I finally managed to work out a time to get together while he was visiting home this weekend. We met at Coffee Culture where I had warm drinks ready for when he arrived, and after an almost awkward introduction (really, how do you "introduce" yourself to someone you already sort of know kind of well?), we just fell into easy conversation about music, film sets, my potential thesis topics and international issues. We spent a good hour and a half just talking and getting to know each other in person. I can only speak for myself, but it hardly felt like that much time passed.

I love the dynamics of friendship.

In other news, I went directly from coffee with J to a family dinner with my dad's cousins and other assorted relatives. It was wonderfully exhausting. Babies, parents, grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles...it was incredible. And busy. Lots of catching up happened over the next 5 hours, along with eating good food and sharing our respective talents, including music, poetry and storytelling.

Needless to say, as wonderful as this family time was, being crowded into a cottage with 15 other people (though not entirely uncomfortably), it was beautiful and overwhelming. 

I love the dynamics of family.

I have thoroughly enjoyed this alone time/quiet time to write this, and am now relaxed and ready for bed. So I will leave you with my love well-wishes. 

Peace & Love,

K.

Autumn in Summertime.

There's just something about this weather. 

Weather that is grey and unsettled -- disquieted. Weather that threatens rain, but not too seriously. This weather wakens something deep inside of me.

It's a feeling I am not much used to, but yet

I revel in it. 

I adore this calm. This lost-in-thought-staring-out-the-window-for-hours-without-saying-a-word kind of feeling.

There's just something in the way the trees move, their leaves hostage to the blowing of the wind. It. Enchants. Me.

It has captured me with its freedom. 

Freedom that allows the leaves to leave the trees.

And as they float down,
it seems to be fall.
And at the same time I fall just clear of the wall,
past confusion and

anxiety.

And suddenly, everything is -----

clear.

Clarity, though momentary, brings -----

peace.

And with peace comes -----

hope.

Hope for a cliché "brighter tomorrow" free of today's sorrow and despair.

And again I find myself just staring out my window -- wordless and inspired.

There's just something about this weather.

What are Expectations?

Here for your reading pleasure is the fourth of many entries from my Asia journal. It's nice and short!

Going into this trip, I was trying very hard not to have expectations for what it was going to look like and what the experience was going to be for me. I have traveled a fair bit in my lifetime and I find it very difficult not to draw conclusions from those experiences as to what my future expeditions will look like. While my past of traveling has prepared me well for the physical strains, the stress and the emotional roller coaster that comes with traveling to foreign countries, what it has also done is left me with some preconceived notions of what each trip should be like. I have found that traveling without expectations is the best way to travel because then I am not disappointed when it is completely different and I can enjoy the trip to the fullest extent, which I believe is very important.

I think that I have managed this goal not too badly – the trip was very unlike any of my other travel experiences, but was still a very positive one. It was with a very different group of people, there were many very different cultures and I was completely out of my comfort zone. I take that as a smashing success.  

And with the end to that Journal entry, I would like to leave you with a quote I happened across while surfing the internet. It is less directed to experience than to people, and yet I find it entirely relevant:

“I have often noticed that we are inclined to endow our friends with the stability of type that literary characters acquire in the reader's mind. No matter how many times we reopen 'King Lear,' never shall we find the good king banging his tankard in high revelry, all woes forgotten, at a jolly reunion with all three daughters and their lapdogs. Never will Emma rally, revived by the sympathetic salts in Flaubert's father's timely tear. Whatever evolution this or that popular character has gone through between the book covers, his fate is fixed in our minds, and, similarly, we expect our friends to follow this or that logical and conventional pattern we have fixed for them. Thus X will never compose the immortal music that would clash with the second-rate symphonies he has accustomed us to. Y will never commit murder. Under no circumstances can Z ever betray us. We have it all arranged in our minds, and the less often we see a particular person, the more satisfying it is to check how obediently he conforms to our notion of him every time we hear of him. Any deviation in the fates we have ordained would strike us as not only anomalous but unethical. We could prefer not to have known at all our neighbor, the retired hot-dog stand operator, if it turns out he has just produced the greatest book of poetry his age has seen.”

-- Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

Peace & Love,

K.

Previous Entries:

• What is Journaling?
• What is Culture?
• What is Pilgrimage? 

 

What is Pilgrimage?

It has been a very long time since my last post on my Asia "Journal," and I feel as though it is just about time that I get back to it! So here is the next installment!

Before I can really go too far though, I need to at least link you to the blog post that this entry refers to right at the start. So please check out this post on the SSU Travel Blog.
Also, check out the first two posts:

• What is Culture?
• What is Journaling?

Now please sit back, relax and enjoy the read!

As I stated in my first travel blog post on the SSU website, this trip was a really big and self-changing pilgrimage. Now that I am home, I am struggling to try to grasp the full extent of what has changed within me. I kind of wonder if it is something I will ever really figure out. I find it doubtful. I am quite sure that a lot of the changes are miniscule enough that I will not be able to notice them, but together, they make me a different person. I have no doubt that what I talked about in my travel blog is only a very small portion of the inner change I have experienced. I am excited to see what other changes have occurred!

While reading a book recommended by one of my professors, “Pilgrimage: A Spiritual and Cultural Journey,” I came across this quotation on page 134: “Pilgrims journey together: they share each others' joy and feel each others' pain. We try to ensure that everyone’s story is heard and that help is offered for the continuing journey of life.” This is something that I think our group accomplished somewhat unknowingly. Each of us was too involved in our own worlds to look up and realize that just by hugging someone around us, or giving a smile, or sitting and listening to someone’s complaints we were really helping each other and coming closer together.

I would like to again leave this section of my journal with my favourite quote from T.S. Eliot (I just think it fits everything): 

“We shall not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.”

Peace & Love,

K.

Today I Mourn

"Don't fix my smile, life is long enough. We will put this flesh into the ground again." 

-- Freelance Whales

Today I mourn.

I mourn for my friends with ended and ending relationships.

Today I mourn.

I mourn for my friends who have been impacted by, or are fighting cancer.

Today I mourn. 

I mourn for my friends, both male and female who have been sexually abused. 

Today I mourn.

I mourn for my friends who are lost and confused -- searching for themselves.

Today I mourn.

Most intensely, I mourn for my friends who have been impacted by suicide. Those who have killed themselves, those who have considered it as a way to escape, and those who know people in either situation. 

The last twenty-four hours have offered me a barrage of sorrowful news and my heart is reaching out to my friends in these difficult times.

So today I mourn.

Peace & Love,

K.